Vysnu » On Relationships

On Relationships

Saturday, April 8, 2006

Statutory Disclaimer: I don’t know anything I’m talking about, and even if some of these make sense, it’s definitely local wisdom. Don’t go applying this all over the world. People differ, their attitudes differ.

Begin:

I suppose a side-effect of knowing many people is that you experience lots of different things. That leads to some of your ideas crystallizing into definite thoughts, and losing a lot of misconceptions. These past two months of my life have been very eventful. Unforgettable. A Learning Experience. I was asked out (to which I said a very polite no), two of my closest friends are going through relationship-hell, I’ve been talking about this to DP a lot, and one close friend asked me very seriously in class, “How do you go about talking to girls?” It is then, perhaps natural that I’d like to write down something about relationships.

Of the romantic variety. Or those flavors which are somewhere in between, in confused, muddled waters. I can’t state this authoritatively, but I’m sure a fifth of my college-mates are in a relationship. Of those, around 95% don’t survive the real world. The question, of course, is whether to take the plunge. While tales of bitter breakups and broken hearts, and scary stories of first-love -gone-bad-life-wrecked-people abound, I’ll definitely say that you should. How do you know you’ve met the right girl if you haven’t met the wrong one?

If you like a girl, do let her know. Rejections are a part of life. Some girls learn to do it well (as a corollary, some guys learn to take it well), and you can remain friends for life. Unless you’re a full-blown jerk (and sometimes even then) every girl is flattered when you make her understand you’re interested in her. Don’t let her convince you otherwise. And I’ve known guys who have gone to the ends of the earth to make a ‘No’ ‘Yes’. Some of them have succeeded. Is doing something like that worth the effort? Maybe. If you are sure you can make the ‘No’, something along the lines of ‘Yes, oh god, Yes!’ I’ll advise you to give it a shot. But no does mean a no. Don’t assume.

Follow through on your proposal. The worst things to do is lose interest after a while, so be really sure this is somebody you like. Think of her first, put yourself second. Do you honestly think she’d be better off with you? Are you going away somewhere else after a while leaving her hanging, you jerk? Unless you’re sure, be her friend, that works out best in the long-run.

How do you test the waters? How do you find girls who are interested in you? It is not hard. There are lots of girls around. Be interesting yourself. Cultivate humility, good manners, some measure of talent, and conversational skills. Try to make her laugh. Be attentive. Be assertive, not a bully. Don’t listen to everything she says. Have your principles. And, don’t be desperate for her to fall for you, that’s probably the biggest turn- off.

What if you just want to have fun? What if you don’t want anything serious, just a casual fling? Nothing lasting, just some ephemeral joy. The first rule perhaps is that there is a cost to everything. Nothing comes cheap. When people get to know each other first, that’s perhaps the best time of the relationship. Both are on their best behavior, because both want to impress. After a while, familiarity leads to those self-imposed rules relaxing. When you get into a relationship with the intent of having ‘just fun’, those rules relax much earlier. This, more often than not, leads to an explosive breakup. But that’s okay with you, isn’t it? Nothing comes without emotional baggage. I know friends of both genders who thought they could handle a casual fling, and who couldn’t. It’s tough to accept another man having a go at ‘your’ girl, but wise men do learn to move on. Oh, but at the same time, I know people who have three girlfriends at a time and are insanely happy about it. (Lesson: people are different, figure out which category you fall into).

Another oft-quoted dilemma is the Women-are- from-Venus conundrum. “Who can understand them, man?” Well, you don’t necessarily need to understand them to love them. It’s very true that girls think differently. They have different priorities (looks, attitude, appearances, ego, are some which I and many men don’t understand) and different interests, but find a girl whose core values (not “We both hate Will & Grace”, but “We both think money is not so important”) are the same. That helps, but is not a surefire method for longevity.

One other thing perhaps, is to always be yourself. Don’t make her think you are somebody else. (White)Lies like that never survive. Do believe that you are special and you deserve someone special. Also have the ability to make her feel special

(And that is probably enough of Vishnu playing a censored Dr. Ruth. Hope this’ll help somebody)

Tags: musings

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